Is my mind understandable?
Ok so. Depersonalization. Disorder that affects a lot of people. I feel like a robot. I dont feel there. Any of the time. I cant get happy about things, but I can be sad. I almost enjoy being sad. The feeling it gives me. Like it’s a feeling at least. It genuinely makes me daydream, like when I’m low my mind just goes with it. I feel like I’ve taken a backseat while my mind and body just take me through life. It feels like someone else is in control of my decisions and I’m just left with one feeling. I’ve slyly wanted to die for years. Sometimes it’s bad, sometimes it’s worse. Never goes away. Sometimes I self harm to deal with it, but only when I’ve self loathed to the point of rage at my own life. Then I feel like I need to suffer. I shouldnt hate myself. I should be happy. I have nothing to be sad about apart from things everyone goes through like relationship problems or family issues. I grew up with super bad abandonment issues because my dad left our family, and arguments with my mum growing up sometimes made me feel like my mum and dad would still be happy and together if I wasnt in the picture. Kind of hard to find reasons to ground you to earth when the idea of me being born made a fully grown man run away from a happy life. I feel invisible but people see me. I feel like I’m full of air but I’m completely out of breath at the same time. I feel like at this point I’m waiting for the one thing thatll tip me over the edge. I’ve tried to love myself. I’ve tried to even fucking like myself but that doesnt change anything. I’m still the same old self loathing cynical glass almost empty bastard thatd rather sit and wallow in his shit than try and do anything about it. So I’m writing this in the hope that one day I can look back on this (still alive) and laugh at it. Like what was this little 23 year old child doing. I cant feel love. I have a girlfriend and shes ground herself into the ground trying to deal with my outbursts and she is ill because of it. I know it. Obviously I’m not the cause of her every ailment but I have trashed her to the fucking ground because I cant deal with myself. She does so much for me and I cant even return love to her right now. Making friends is basically impossible because I dont trust anyone, I’m scared of drunk people because they’re unpredictable, I’m 23 years old and I’m sitting here saying thank the fucking lord for uber eats or I’d never be able to enjoy a takeaway because I’ll do anything to avoid talking to people I dont know. People just think I’m socially awkward though so at least I’m a good actor. But that doesnt help either. I get overlooked but I’m okay with that, but I also want someone to notice. I cant just talk to someone about it. I know it’s that simple but I just cant. It makes me feel weak. Like I havent grown up. Since I was 12 years old I’ve felt like this and done nothing. So maybe this can be out there for other people to see and see what not talking does to people. I’m okay to publish this because of that. One day I’ll probably feel like this is giving me strength, but right now I dont really know why I’m doing this. But its here.
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Insidemycrazymind 